Can you say wardrobe malfunction? Oops! So that’s what campaign contributions are for these days? Clothes shopping at Sacks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus?  Where do I fill out my campaign launch papers? I definitely don’t have the qualifications for Vice President so I obviously qualify.  As soon as Key West gets that ice skating rink there will be no stopping me! Nothing says hockey Mom like designer clothing and a personal shopper! I wonder how Joe the sucker feels about this? The McCain camp is now claiming that the clothes were “borrowed” and will be given to charity after the election. Can I get the location of the Good Will those clothes are going to? Talk about a find! Can you imagine? Walking into the Good Will store and finding Sarah Palins campaign wardrobe?  Valentino, Escada, Gucci! Some lucky town is going to have the best dressed homeless people in the Country! Now THAT’S “spreading the wealth”!

Spread: To distribute.  Wealth: An abundance of money or funds.  “Spread the wealth”: To distribute funds or monies to those persons who are without abundance. In a nutshell, if ya ain’t got it, ya can’t spread it! Can you hear me loud and clear?! Poor people can’t spread their wealth because they don’t have any! Can’t all you “Joe the suckers” get that through your thick plungers? The reason McCain doesn’t want to “spread the wealth” is because HE will have to share HIS piece of the pie! You see people, everything McCain says has a double-secret-hidden meaning.  You have to decode it.  Here is the decryption formula:  Take a statement such as,  ” Senator Obama wants to raise taxes.”  Add, the TRUTH onto the end of the sentence, “for people who make over $250,000 a year.  Then multiply by pi to get the mathematical answer as to who McCain is trying to protect from paying fair taxes, which would be his “cronies” in the top one percent income bracket of 3.12 billion dollars per year. If you multiply 3.12 billion by the number of “cronies” you will get just enough money for a fantastic “bail-out” package which will automatically be deposited into your Swiss bank account.

Which brings me to my recipe of the day: Un-American Red Hot Caramel Apple Pie!

Peel. core & slice 2 pounds of either Rome, Fuji or any other foreign sounding apples in a large bowl.  Toss with 1/4 cup Yuzu Japanese lemon juice.  Add 1/2 cup Muscovado sugar from Barbados, 1 teaspoon Tahitian vanilla and 2 tablespoons of any type of “white supremest” flour.  Add 1/3 cup imported cinnamon red hot candies.  Pour apple mixture into pre-made pie crust. (If you are pro-America you probably make your own dough).  Stuff the finest caramel candies you can afford, preferably French Fleur de Sal into pockets throughout the pie (approximately 10 pieces).  Top with 2nd pie crust with a cookie cut-out of a gun or bible in the middle.  (It’s all about presentation).  Bake at 350 degrees for 2 hours.  Cool and serve at your next press conference or anti-American hate-rally with fresh whipped creme slightly sweetened. Be sure to wear that expensive red-hot number “on loan” from Neiman’s!

Next weeks recipe: Joe Biden’s “Big mouth sloppy Joe’s”

It’s official guys and gals! It is now acceptable to interject imaginary characters into Presidential debates! Introducing “Joe the plumber”! Joe is a guy named Sam, who is not really a licensed plumber, who is worried about being taxed on a business he doesn’t own. Joe-Sam is worried about paying taxes on money he’s not earning and he currently owes back taxes on what he has earned! This is what the McCain campaign came up with for their last debate before election day?! Brilliant! It doesn’t get any better than this folks! Or does it……oh, I believe it does.

Let’s straight talk express about “spreading the wealth” shall we? Just who’s wealth do you think Obama’s policy is referring to? It’s not Joe the Plumbers wealth I can tell you that!  Anyone who is actually, (not imagining) that they are making over $250,000 year will see a 3% tax increase. Pay your fair share and get over it!  Be thankful you make more money than Joe-the-plumber!

Which brings me to my recipe of the day:

“Joe the plumber’s” 15 minutes of fame white lasagna.

Saute crumbled turkey Italian sausage or Key West stone crab and lobster meat(depending on if you own the plumbing business yet) with onion and garlic.  Set aside along with the tax payment you owe.  Steam some fresh kale, Swiss chard or dollar bills.  Drain well  (like your 401k).  Add to decadent crab & lobster or economical sausage mixture (depending on who gets elected President).  Meanwhile in a sauce pan melt 3 tablespoons butter, add 3 tablespoons flour, cook for one minute.  Add 2 cups of milk and cook until thick. (like your scull if you haven’t figured out who’s plan makes you poor).  Layer all the ingredients with lasagna noodles and top with fontina cheese.  Bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Serve on national television while claiming to be the Queen of England! Bon Appetito!

By the way, is anybody paying attention to the black voting boxes? Of course not! You’re too busy looking at the Acorn distraction! Can you say decoy? D E C O Y.  Ever hear the joke about the guy taking a wheel barrel loaded with straw home every day from work? The guard just knew that the man was stealing something in that wheel barrel.  Every day the man left with a wheel barrel full of straw and everyday the guard searched the straw and found nothing.  Turns out that the man was stealing wheel barrels! So be sure to keep your eye on that Acorn group!

Coming Attractions:

Osama Bin Laden’s world premier pre-election video!

Ok, I totally cannot even look at John McCain without having Danny Devito flashbacks in his role as the Penguin in Batman.  McCain is even getting flippers and starting to waddle.  Have you heard the sound clip of him? “How bout Sarah Palin, EHHHHH?!” EHHHHH?! He’s starting to quack or bark or whatever it is that penguins do.  My apology to penguins everywhere, you are so much cuter than John McCain.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he came to his next “hate rally” wearing a black top hat and holding a twirling umbrella! Speaking of Republican “hate rallies” and lynch mobs….did you know that they said that Obama is actually a racist, Nazi, and was a test tube baby cloned from the cells of Saddam? What’s even more interesting is his moose killing running mate Sarah Palin.  She is so fascinating.  As a woman I am taken aback and breathless as I watch in shock and awe as she so gracefully spews out horrible, hateful lies to millions of brainless zombies who believe her every word.  Won’t they be surprised when the real truth comes out and it is revealed that Sarah has the number 666 on the back of her neck! I’ve seen it! The number of the moose she’s killed is tattooed right on her! And you know how significant 666 is.  It’s also the number of the amount of criminally insane people attending their “hate rallies” every day.  They seem to have a rare form of Turrets syndrome occurring.  Violent outbursts of terrorist! Arab! Kill him! Now that’s comforting.  Yes, the world will be a much better place under the regime of the Penguin, the Antichrist, and the retarded hate zombie followers.  Hey, at least they have good family values!

Which brings me to my recipe of the day:

Palin Pot Roast.

Take one lb. chuck roast.  If you can’t find good ole beef then freshly tortured moose will do just fine.  Put meat in croc-pot.  Ask “Joe Six Pack” if you can have one of his beers.  Pour over the poor dead moose meat and cry your eyes out.  Add one can of cream of mushroom soup, onions, garlic & soy sauce.  Cover, cook and go to a hockey game.  Serve with The Penguins mashed potatoes, recipe to follow.

Buy a box of instant potatoes and a bag of real potatoes.  Make the boxed ones by adding water and set aside.  Boil fresh potatoes, peel and mash with butter, sour cream and chives.  Serve the boxed potatoes along side of the roast to your guests, tell them it’s homemade.  They’ll believe you.  Also tell them that Barack Obama was cloned from the cells of the late Saddam Hussein.  They’ll believe you.  Take advantage of their brain damageness and tell them that you are really Santa Clause and that instead of raising taxes, you will actually give every American a $7,000 check, buy up all of the bad mortgages, and take care of the Veterans.  They’ll believe you.  Your followers will be so intoxicated from your Palin Pot Roast that they won’t even notice that they are eating instant crap.  Meanwhile, you can enjoy the real mashed potatoes along with your meal-ticket while you laugh all the way to the poorhouse.  Suckers! Yumm!

The great bail-out oops, I mean “rescue” is underway! Thank God! How lucky we all are to have the comfort of knowing that billions of dollars (dollars that aren’t even printed yet) of our Country’s hard earned money are being transferred to unmasked thieves in the biggest financial heist of the history of the world! Yes, I feel so much better now knowing that our money will soon be printed up and put into the hands and bank accounts of God knows who.  How comforting it is to foresee the inevitable bankruptcy of the United States looming in the near future.  Yes, I feel as though we were practically whisked away on a white stallion named “Rescue”.  I know I will sleep better just dreaming of the trillion dollars Bush has spent on the war, combined with the trillion they will use to “rescue” us. Lets see, if I do the math correctly……it definitely comes out to bull&%#!

Which brings me to my recipe of the day:

Bail-Out Stew better known as “Rescue” Ratatouille: This recipe is loaded with heart-healthy ingredients.  First, go to your nearest neighbor, ask to look in his refrigerator.  Take any fresh vegetables he may have.  He probably worked hard to earn the money to buy fresh vegetables, which will enhance their sweetness even more.  Carrots, onions, celery, garlic & potatoes. If you have any neighbors with a real vegetable garden, that’s even better! The harder they have worked the better it tastes.  You will need four tomatoes, two eggplants and two zucchini.  Some gardeners have prized-sized crops that they have nurtured and cultivated for months or even years.  If that is the case, you will only need one of each but make sure you take the biggest, fattest, heartiest one as to “rescue” the smaller ones from certain demise.  If you have to go to Main street for this, make sure you use the money from your child’s piggy bank or your 401k.

Course chop all the veggies.  Toss in extra virgin olive oil (also borrowed from a neighbor, or stolen off the table of your favorite local restaurant, to “rescue” anyone from possible rancid oil) sea salt, pepper, and any fresh herbs you can take from more neighbors.  Some neighbors may have them sitting on their porch in little pots free for the taking.

Heat oven to 400.  In a deep baking dish, roast for 1 hour. Add one can of chicken stock and bake another half hour. Sprinkle grated gruyere cheese on top and bake another 15 minutes.

This dish would be the perfect comfort food to serve with warm, crusty bread to your generous, starving, depressed and broke neighbors who gave you their last fresh vegetable.  However, I suggest instead that you do the patriotic thing and take the warm food down to the UPS store and overnight it to the poor, tired men who stayed up for days to come up with this life-saving “rescue” plan!  Bon-Appetite!